<~ Killing me Softly ~>

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Friday, May 18, 2007

My Greatest Fear

As some of you might know, i have selective memory of things that happen. I seem to only remember things that i need to or things that have a significant impact in my life. There are several things from the past that amazing are still etched deeply in my memory. One of them was a literature lesson in Secondary 2 (2nd year high school).

I was 14 then and the lesson was on poetry. Mr Kumar, at least i think that was the name of that teacher, was going about trying to teach us, a thing or 2 about poems. He tasked the class of 35 to think of our greatest fears. And the condition was, no two people had to have the same fear. Now i know that everyone is unique, but at 14 how much of the world have you experienced to have 35 extremely different fears!And unfortunately, he had to start with the other corner of the class. So as he moved down the rows, my classmates stood up giving him one fear or another. Some you could tell were clearly made up as they stood up to answer. I remember most of my fears being mentioned and i was terrified of not having a fear left. Can u believe that?!

First taken was spiders, then roaches, and insects (someone had to use the collective term), then darkness and so on. I couldnt think of any fear i had left. And i was totally blank. I am never good at lying and had the habit of taking work all too seriously ever since young. But as my turn drew nearer, it became clear what i was afraid of. No, it wasnt the teacher. But i was afraid of not knowing how to react when it was my turn. So when it was my turn, i stood up and said i was afraid of myself. The class was stunned. I remember Mr Kumar looking at me and after awhile he said that was the best answer he has gotten so far and the most interesting.

Naturally, the boys in the class, being the idiots they were, started staring at their hands and screaming!! I had to explain myself for some reason for my fear that i had just declared. And i did. I told Mr Kumar, i wasnt afraid of how i look or how people look at me, but i was more afraid of my reactions to things and in some cases how my reactions could even hurt the people around me. What made me said that was a flashback i had at that point in time.

I was reminded by an incident where my mother was very upset with me for my frankness (yes, i have been frank all my life, even as a kid!) about something. I remember i was upset that she was not giving much attention to me compared to my younger sister. I used to be very independent since young and did not need much supervision when it came to studies but still i told her she bothered too much about my sis. It hurt her. Never was my intention to hurt her, but i was just being honest and in a way reacting and voicing out my opinion about the situation.
It was that flashback and the several instances which i remembered where my actions had in one way or another led to unnecessary unpleasantries, that made me stood up and say i was afraid of myself. I guess Mr Kumar must have been surprised when he heard a 14-year old say that( wasnt 14 actually, was 13 since the birthday is at the end of the year). Not many people at that age can analyze themselves to that extent. I tried it out when i was teaching my Sec 2 pupils in Springfield Secondary few years back. The answers i got were far from profound.

Well, till this day, though my anger has much mellowed down with age, it still scares the living daylights out of some when i do get angry. My greatest fear i would still say is Myself. For i am still a very extreme person, i dont think that will change and i will still be frank and honest about my views to things. My reactions to things have always and will always be extreme and i have no intentions about it being any less.

Labels: Fear, Great, Lesson, Literature, Memory